Since when does it count caring and loving behaviour to try to trap somebody and erase xyr mind? Since when is it true love to call the 'loved' one's happiness a tragedy? Since when is dishonesty not a mark of the corrupted soul?

I've found a letter in my mother's drawer. It was from someone I considered a friend up to that point. The content of it? Instructions not to let me go back home after autumn break, and to seek "professional help". It turns out that my mother has been persuaded to ruin everything; if I didn't alter my plans because of the dyscalculia program, I'd been in serious danger of being kidnapped by my own family, and locked into the basement of some faraway building to be tortured, brainwashed and psychologically exterminated. A series of pretty telling followup emails also have been found, in which my mother agrees to cover up the whole scheme and that monster masquerading as a friendly dyke being 'relieved' to hear that I've decided to suffer for a few more decades.

This is the same person that sent me candy for Halloween. So obviously I could not expect such a thing from her. I'm still hurt and furious. The following text is the note I posted on Facebook after I spent half an hour crying when I put the pieces together.

Most often, I look into the future with bright eyes, willing to work on something meaningful, such as helping humanity conquer illness and death. If this is a possibility, I can endure everything. If I can do it, I am happier than anybody. It's as if I have a debt to pay to the people of this planet, and to myself, and if the debt is cleared, I will be able to be fully content.

But sometimes I wonder whether humans deserve that contribution. When I find out that my trust has been broken, when I discover something dishonest done against me...

What if you sacrificed a lifetime to help someone and they steal your money? Or you find out that your best friend has been sleeping with your arch enemy and they had a secret plan to bring you down? Or that your mother thinks that if you achieve happiness, it is a tragedy for her, and she conspires with your friends to prevent it?

I always fall for these slimy, vile motherfuckers. Every single time. And it hurts the same every single time. Like a piece of my heart was yanked out with pliers and replaced with a thorny plant which extends its tendrils into my viscera. But how could I defend myself against this, and still have some kind of personal contact with people? Because I'm not antisocial. I want friends. Only a few of them, but that few must be several times more intensely connected than in "normal" friendships. The only way I can avoid betrayal is never to trust anyone again. And I'm not capable of doing that, though I may yearn for it (or swear that I'll do it) when I'm hurt like this. And I can't help but wish for reconciliation, even if I know that that would mean that this happens again and again and again. Second chances lead to another disaster, I know that all too well, yet I tend to be weak and forgive.

The cruel irony of this is that there was 1, ONE, person that I could really trust and I'm still sure he would never do something like that, and I lost him to a stupid accident. It's hard to be an atheist when you wish you could blame it on someone.

It hurts.

Yet, it's better to know.